Prestine

I beat myself up everyday for being myself. Its like I’ve betrayed you. I remember my previous life as an adolescent Christian. More than anything in the world, what I wanted to be was perfect in the eyes of God and if I felt that I failed, I would retract completely. Now, all basic Christian doctrine teaches us to repent and God will forgive us but I hated the fact that I was repenting for the same sins over and over again. I hated my desires, I hated that I touched myself and I hated that I lied. I was a self hating conformist entertaining the idea of individualism. After finally renouncing my religion, I was stuck with no idea of identity. I was so used to having easy to follow guidelines and instructions on how to be human. I started my rebellion in my late teenage years, becoming resistant against any form of control imposed by the barking dog of authority. I never understood it. I got so tired of trying to fit in this tiny box and I’ve never been a great contortionist. I was now doing the wrong things to spite myself when I became disgusted with my own docility. I was the type to cut my nose, not to spite my face but to spite society in its vanity because I knew it would be hard to look at a once beautiful face, now ruined. I would do that just to illustrate how shallow you are but out of the crowd, you would see a few not afraid to look at it and rejoice in its symbol. Here we are today and do I know who I am, years after my religious redefinition? No, but the answer hangs on the tip of my tongue and one day I’ll be able to speak it even if that day comes at the end of a life time. As you for you, the one who is sure  how a human being should act and be, I’ll tell you this – I’ll betray you an infinite amount of times over before I betray myself ever again. Im not satisfied with a second hand personality.

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