All in the name of safety and certainty.

“For the night is dark and full of terrors”.

She walks through inner city Johannesburg, arms tightly mantled around her purse, legs briskly kicking herself forward and eyes intently dismissing and avoiding any eye contact. She knows that today could be the day that she gets robbed, raped, murdered or all of the above. She’s never in her life felt safe walking through Joburg alone.

Sporadic glitches
He enters social situations with light tremors and twitches in his muscles. His palms are so hot and sweaty that they could be rented out as saunas for insects. He’s dyssemic around people because he feels like there’s always something socially expected of him and he’s caught between proving himself and uncertainty; a no man’s land – a purgatory for wall weeds. He knows that today could be the day that he is mocked, judged, alienated, criticised and what’s left of his self esteem killed off. He’s never felt safe walking through a discussion alone.

When home is not safe
We’re all looking for some type of safety, a concrete certainty; a financial, biological or social homeostasis… To risk is to go against human nature but how else do we prosper if not by going against the reasonability of our fears. The truth is we risk just to feel safe. We work for shelter, food and financial stability. We love and give just to know that there is a safety deposit box that we can invest our hearts in,even though there is a risk that that the returns will be terrible(unrequited). It’s a fucken scarey world and there are monsters waiting to tear you from limb to limb in every corner but you’re not living if you’re not gambling against a danger. Trapeze art and tightrope tiptoeing wouldn’t be as exciting without the grave possibility of death.

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I can’t tell if you’re balling up snot from your nose or playing the worlds smallest violin for me. (Senile Ramblings from a wise old homeless man pt 8)

And I’m emotionally done; nervous system on collapse, all neurons have fired signals heavily and erratically and now lie exhausted from stress, cognition on the decline, synaptic connectors have unplugged themselves like friends who are now enemies, head hangs low, anxious – so anxious that I shake on the brink of paranoia and insanity, all muscles and limbs twitching like the tail of a dying lab rat, I need to escape or else I think I’ll die here, my soul will patter out like an old light bulb, the grief will kill me, I don’t think I’ll get up if I dont find some leniency, some form of reprieve, I’m so exhausted that I can no longer launch an argument to explain myself, I’m an outsider in what I’ve thought was my home; it’s always been that way, I thought it would get better but it didn’t and I find myself crushed under the solemn pressure of my own past and pain, the recriminations echo out from the dark, I’m my own accuser, I’m hated because I exist, all I want is justice like anyone else who’s been wronged, there is no forgive in me. I feel claustrophobic in my own head. Now I need a rope to use as a means of escape, to climb from or hang myself from.

Rectangle (Senile Ramblings from a wise old homeless man pt 7)

Is there a difference between death and amnesia? I mean a true amnesia, one where you’re forever exiled from the past memory of your life(lives). Whats the difference between that and death because who you were basically dies and there is no heaven to reconcile with. They say you only live once but in truth you live everyday, almost a thousands lives between sleep and unconsciousness. Your memories elude you into thinking that life is a single continuous stream. So in a few days, parts of this moment will be forgotten. You’ll probably have forgotten ever reading this status one day and in truth the you who is the you at this moment will be replaced by a new you with similar traits but in essence who is not you. This you is going to suffer an existentialist death and he/she wont be mourned, just forgotten. The worst deaths are those that the eyes cannot see. I’ll address this theory as an absurdist – life is too short to ever have a fixed and objective meaning and nothing tangible can save it from being meaningless. Even worse , your likeness lives through a thousand lives that will never have meaning. Nothing can save your lives from this ultimate meaningless, not love or knowledge or money. You see, you are useless too but you don’t even know it.

Gathering Feathers (1 November 2013)

Its become a matter of finding a place in a world that ultimately hates us. I’m a hobo, going from domicile to domicile in search of a home. That’s what keeps me going, the sweet dream of a home. That has become my one word mantra, I echo it in meditation like – hoooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmeee

 

Max Payne is such a well written game – how did the movie turn out so shit?

 

I prefer Nina Simone’s version of Strange Fruit over Billie Holiday’s.

 

I wonder without a truly successful political background or career, without even the accolades of running a major profitable business to justify why I should be given the keys to the country, could I run for president or even a party leader. One of the greatest arguments against Obama when he ran for president at the age of 44 was that he was too young and unqualified to run a country because he had never run a large organization or successful business even though he was a Chicago State Senator. Not to compare America to us or any country but should we not have high standards for our politicians as well. With any job, you need a certain amount of experience and education in order to be considered for that position. If I was to simply start my own party, write speeches aimed at the impoverished majority, speak of every fear and unrest of the common man’s mind and mind you, I’d be lying half the time, could I become your president? I look and sound just like you, I’m the axes handle, there’s no reason why you should not believe what I say.Could I appeal to your tribalistic sensibilities? I’m not pointing any fingers at anyone. I’m just saying Politician’s lie and one day by the time we realize what big teeth grandma has, it will be too late.

 

I am shit scared of socialism.

 

I dont think anyone appreciates kindness more than me, especially if its from a stranger.

 

They like cars and alcohol. I just really dig books and art.

 

Capitalism – The government works for corporations

 Socialism – The government is the corporation

 

They’re worried about fashion, hair and nails; I’m worried about the human condition both existentialistic – esoteric and physical.

 

Money is thicker than blood. My parents taught me that.

 

When music becomes a mocking interpretation of everything we are.

 

If I was a wrestler, I’d just play the heel – the villain through my whole career.

 

Sometimes loving a broken person is like playing a game of tetris. You put them together again, just to watch them disappear.

 

The daily politics of being human

 

Albert Einstein said “I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.”
Stephen Hawking said “God not only plays dice, He also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen”

 

Now, I have to learn how to fake confidence. This would be easier if I was still a Christian #NoOffenceToAnybody

 

The problem is Im too deep or rather I think too much, cant seem to get out of my head, who can blame me, its a nice place when its not cloudy with recrimination. I need to learn how to be as plastic and seemingly shallow as these bathroom models who post naked pictures of themselves for likes? Self gratification? To be noticed? I don’t fucken know, but the implications are still weird if not scary. Sometimes the puddle is just a puddle but its still embarrassing when the water splashes your face.

 

Things will get better, if they don’t you’ll adapt, if you cant then oh well *Shrug*

 

I wonder if the dead envy the living or pity them?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgE7Y1ONn7g

 

Gathering Feathers (07 October 2013)

“Nothing as painful as a memory”

“I never asked to be born but death is no question,
The answer to life is yes and everything else is a lie.”

“A little originality perhaps”

“Write till we cant write any more.”

“I rather die as an original than live as a duplicate.”
“Okay, now that’s beautiful.”

“Most of my relationships are drawbridges. I have no time to waste on gasoline and lighter fluid for transient friendships. My hand is ready to be withheld and my mind is ready to forget you at any given time. I’m not cold hearted, just tired of wasting time on what was never there.”

“One more note – definition is a shackle and a chain – to say what you are is to also say what you are not and as a living personification of the universe, you are more isn’t than are. In other words you’re born as something amazingly vast and then you are boxed in by identity ,branded by definition, compelled by labels and shortened by “I am”. You’re trying to find yourself in an over worn label – that’s far from original.”

“Im trying to dance around the fact that I miss her. Why do I do this to myself?”

“Naysayers say Im bound to fail
Like I lost the plot but found a trail
And I’ll breathe my lungs rugged till I cant exhale
Because in the presence of silence all noise and sound prevails”

“Contrary to popular belief, time is no healer – it will march along and leave you in the dust until you learn how to fix yourself. Then march along with it.”

“Breaking Bad series finale was….Dexter take notes”

“Reality is glass.”

“I love animals. That’s also probably why my ex girlfriends look the way they do.”

“I’d rather die on my back than live on my ass in an office job.”

“I’ve seen pigs walking on hind legs. They dont just eat shit, they speak it.”

“Have you ever seen a corpse fight its way back to life, will its lungs to breathe again and persuade its heart to beat? Well kiddies, Im going to show you some shit today, a self resurrecting Lazarus.”

“My dreams are burning themselves out of my mind…”

 

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Gathering Feathers (23 September 2013)

“A person in society is the sum of his labels. Take that away and what do you get?”

“We all whore something out at the end of the day.”

“Well done. It’s getting harder to tell apart the person who you pretend to be and the person you actually are .”

“We’ll make homes out of the giants we’ve slain.”

“Sometimes but not in most cases, freedom is a simple matter of choice, especially if you’re not physically oppressed. All I know is, I walked and did not crumble after my first step. I mean they seemed to believe that I would and they some how convinced each other and me but I took that first step and did not fall under the weight of gravity. By oppression, they were taught to oppress. I realized this and walked away before it was too late. Thank God, I walked before it was too late.”

“Did anyone else know that its International Talk Like A Pirate Day today? And Im not talking about talk like a Pirates supporter after another derby loss.”

“I spend so much time, wishing I could revisit that place and time. Its like an island coasting on a special fragment of my memory.”

“My wings don’t flap right hence why I’ve been flying around in circles. I hope you’re not vain enough to think its because of you.”

“I remember thinking that my boss gesticulates so much when he speaks that he should just cut the middle man out and learn sign language.”

“Everyone’s too busy playing GTA V to realize that the guy who invented Super Mario is dead.”

“Holding on to something only contradicts our being so fly free”

“Its all in my head…”

“Yeah, its all in my head but does that make it less real?”

“Don’t make a cage out of your own mind”

“I give up.”

“Mistaking venus flytraps for roses and lilacs.”

Gathering Feathers (16 September 2013)

“Its a Cardboard shanty town, its inhabitants dwell in voice boxes.”

“Wait no, I think the song should go – my mind is a cardboard shanty town, its inhabitants – words dwell in my voice box.”

“Deep breaths – keep going.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah – blame the world for your shitty disposition. Many have smiled through worse. You’re just weak.”

“A different type of homelessness”

“Don’t you hate dreams where you’re just doing mundane activities like watching T.V? It’s not enough that my waking life ultimately revolves around the mundane but now my dreams rob me of freedom too. Imagine dreaming about studying or working at your dead end job. That’s enough to drive a man postal.”

“Im paranoid, I have to look over my shoulder, have to go over my blind spot, cant tell who’s pretending and who’s not?”

“Don’t worry, you wouldn’t understand, its not in your depth – bigot.”

“Then you found yourself simulating humanity.”

“Poor imitation of a human being. The Japanese are developing robots more authentically human than you.”

“I like to dial manually when I call you so I can feel my heart dance to the key tones of your numbers – is that weird?”

“How did you become such an amazing imposter. I’ve tried but there’s something in the back of my head that keeps telling me that I’m lying, I don’t need to be here and I don’t need to be liked. How do you do it, it must be some evolutionary mechanism that skipped me.”

“Too busy looking for magic beans and silver bullets to put your head down and get some hard work done.”

“You slip, you fall, you get it up. No matter how much it hurts, you get up. Its just pain, a little discomfort – do you know how much pain your mother had to endure to get you into this world? One day does not exist, its just a fools comfort, you may say soon but for those who work, eventually is our declaration. Don’t let them break you, do you know how close to home you were the last time you gave up. Breathe.”